Learning to Stay Awake in the Matrix

It’s beginning to dawn on me that it was right after all. 

When I was in high school, something peculiar and inexplicable happened to me. 

I say, “happened to me” because it was not a choice I had. 

At that time, I was heavily involved in my church’s youth group. I was on the youth leadership team. I led worship. I was the pastor’s daughter. I even wanted to go and study at a Christian college. I fit the bill for good Christian kid to a tee. 

Then, a series of events caused my mind to unclick. 

Several questions started to arise in me that no one could answer. I didn’t even feel like there was space to ask these questions. I started to emotionally withdraw from the youth group. I still had to attend, since that’s just what my family did on Friday nights, but I was no longer emotionally connected. I just went through the motions to keep up appearances. 

A sense arose in me: there is more to this Christian faith than what I’ve been taught. 

Something told me, there was more to the truth. This was not the whole truth. 

I cannot pinpoint an exact moment when this realization came to me. It grew and grew until by the time I left highschool, I was ready to leave Christianity behind for good.

It wasn’t really a choice I had. I didn’t think I was rebelling. I just felt this undeniable sense that this was not the whole truth and I needed to find the truth. 

So began my journey of waking up.  

It started with travel. Travel created space for me to be a separate being from my family. It showed me that there is Something taking care of me.

Then it deepened with entrepreneurship. Being an entrepreneur made me see that the American dream is a mirage and I cannot force my soul into it. My soul doesn’t even want it.

Then, I ended up getting a job at a church and living in a city, two things I’d rejected. 

Today, ten years later, I know that that Sense was right. 

Closer To The Truth

Lately, I’ve been drawn to the work of authors like Brian Mclaren, Rob Bell and Richard Rohr. Their books have put into words what I deeply needed to hear. It feels like they are completing the other half of a thought I’ve only just started to have. Answering questions I’ve only just started to ask. They’ve got decades on me and I’m so grateful they’ve thought it all through and put it into words. 

These authors are thinkers, theologians, pastors and priests who were once ingrained into the mainline Christian culture. After decades of processing, they’ve come to understand God, love, creation and the purpose of humanity in ways that are different from traditional Christianity. 

To some, they are heretics. To me, they feel like the spiritual grandfathers I never had. The spiritual grandfathers I need, in order to make it through the long journey ahead of me. 

What do they write about? It comes down to love. An authentic spiritual journey must lead you to more love. 

The irony of where I stand these days is that I am currently employed at a church and completing a Masters of Divinity at a Christian seminary. There is a good chance that the details of my beliefs differ from my peers. However, I’m certain that at its core, we all believe in love, in the healing of the human heart and the goodness of God. 

I have not talked with my peers at the church, nor in my Mdiv program about these kinds of things. The authors I mentioned above are quite controversial to some people. Some think that they are too free-wheeling and that they lead people away from the basic truths of the Bible. What I see these authors doing is penetrating through the Bible with solar rays and magnifying glass, illuminating the true colours. 

Where do I go from here?

After processing their books, which is an ongoing process, I find myself right now at a loss for what to do. The truths that I want to share may be seen as heresy if I say it out loud, if I start making videos about this stuff and writing about it more. 

I could get kicked out of my job at the church, which I am not afraid of, but that just shows you how defensive Christians can be. 

Last night, after watching an interview of Richard Rohr on Oprah, I found myself asking, What do I do? Where do I go from here? 

With my current life in the city, I feel like I am here to be a pillar of awakenedness. How do I do that? How can I possibly add anything here that will help people when the matrix is perpetually oppressing people into these inhumane ways of living?

People here are trapped and they can’t even see it. (I know it’s not everyone, but many people are trapped.) 

And here I am, in the middle of the trap. I can always see the way out (at least some of the ways out, like travel, meditation, and self-awareness), but I cannot force people through the exit gate. 

Firstly, I have to personally stay alive and filled with light to stay awake in the matrix. This requires all fo the self-care/soul-care and daily habits I’ve been writing about it. 

Secondly, I have do my little part in the grand awakening of our world. This is what I ask God about. What is my little part? 

After reading these authors, I feel like a tadpole in the giant ocean. I cannot do this on my own. Thankfully, I know that I’m not alone. God is with me, the cosmic consciousness of love that spoke to me in high school is still with me. It will protect me, keep me alive, provide for me on the long, arduous journey. I’m also not alone because there are thousands, millions of awakened souls around the planet, even in Toronto. We each have our tiny part to play. I am an integral piece of it, though it is but a tiny thread in a tapestry that will be weaved long after I’m gone. 

I can see both my significance and my insignificance.

Today, I am sharing this because… this is why some of my writing has centred on “practical” tips to live a fuller life. I have the sense that helping people awaken to their potential and their destinies is the best thing for me to do right now. 

Whenever I ask God about what I’m supposed to do, this Bible verse comes to my mind. In John 10:10 it says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.

Anita, help them to have a full, good life.  Be it. Abundance does not mean more money. Abundance means that you are overflowing with so much that you must give it away. 

Why & What I’m Creating

I’ll be sharing bit of my spiritual processing in this blog (and eventually you’ll see it trickle out onto my videos). It is a sacred and vulnerable thing, but I sense that it is better to just share I go, instead of waiting to have all my of theological ducks in a row. I will never have all my theological ducks in a row. I will always be evolving, learning, leaning into love, just as I have been for the last 10 years. 

I know that part of my life assignment is to continue in the trails blazed by the modern mystics and past mystics. Talking about those kinds of spiritual things, though, requires big spiritual guns and it feels daunting to me at this stage in life. What I can offer now, that is authentic and helpful to the awakening of humanity, is my content about how to travel, how to build a creative life, how to nurture your soul and how to live your destiny.

These four categories are gateways to awakening. For now, I cannot yet put into words what you will find when you awaken, I can only point the way. I can encourage people to climb up the mountain, instead of staying in the safe zone. As you climb up, you will discover God, truth, freedom for yourself. The words you end up using may be different from mine, so I don’t want to skew your idea of what you’ll find. I just want to encourage you to climb, and if you’re already climbing, keep climbing. I walk with you. 

I sense that one day I will speak and write more about the truth of Love, what the Bible is really saying and the fullness of what Jesus was conveying and teaching, but that season is not quite here yet. It will probably not happen until after I have completed my Masters of Divinity. Maybe this is why I’ve been tasked with completing a Masters of Divinity. 

Until then, I hope you find hope in the blogs and videos I create. I hope that they convey a sense of freedom. I hope that they speak to something deep in your soul, reminding you of what you’re capable of.