I Gave Myself A Score of 100% and This Is What Happened.

This February, I grew in the right direction. 

I wanted to find the right pace of living, and I did.  

I wanted to consciously celebrate myself and reflect on how far I’ve come, how far God has brought me, and I did.

I wanted to keep sharing this life journey of mine through video, and I am.

I wanted to dance and drone, and I did.

There is one invisible act I did February that has made a world of difference:

I let myself have 100%.

The Weekly Score

Every Sunday, I do a weekly review (similar to this monthly review one I wrote about) where I reflect on the lessons I’ve learned in different areas of life, take note of the blessings of received and chart my course for the next week.

At the end of last year, I added a numerical rating to these weekly reviews, giving my week a final score from 0-100% based on how I felt about the week. I called it my Soul-Care/Wellbeing Rating.

When I started this rating to my week, I noticed that I avoided giving myself a high score. I always hovered around the 70-80% mark, as if I wasn’t allowed to acknowledge that I’d had a great week. I could have a good week, filled with progress, creativity, work and self-care, but that was never good enough. I always needed to aim higher. I was inadequate.

Several weeks of 70% scores adds up. In the soul. Why am I never good enough?

This month, I changed the script.

One Sunday, I typed in 85%. and deleted it. and put 95%. How does it feel to know that my week 95% awesome?

I instantly noticed that I felt proud of myself. I felt like I was acknowledging myself, the life I am living how and all the gifts it contains. I also felt that this higher rating is what God would want for me.

Giving and accepting a higher score is an act of receiving.

Receive The Gifts

It’s comparable to someone giving me a very expensive box of macaroons to enjoy, and I gratefully acknowledge the value of the gift, instead of waving off the gesture with a quick, “Thanks! You shouldn’t have.”

I have an entire life, that keeps functioning (and even thriving) even I’m not particularly trying! I have health. I have work. I have creativity. I have friends. I have ideas. I have a roof. I have trees. I have a car. Those are pretty good reasons to have a 95%.

I instantly felt like my internal tank was more full. I felt like, ya, I am allowed to embrace, enjoy and acknowledge all of the gifts in my life. 

Since that first week where I bumped up my score, I’ve allowed myself to have 100% weeks. 

The rating does not depend on things only going right. It could be that I have a crappy day but I persevere through and learn to accept ebb and flow of emotions. It could that I gave myself an extra 30 minutes to read a book I enjoy. The most ordinary things can make my day great, because I choose to dwell on them and not on what’s missing.

A high score doesn’t mean that I stop improving; it means that improve from a place of fullness, and not from lack or inadequacy. 

cultivate contentment

The more that I give myself permission to be my full self, within the structure of the life I have not, the more grateful and content I become.

In order to film the parts you see in the woods, I took a personal day and went to a retreat center 45 minutes away for a solo filming day.

Yes, it was a sacrifice because it means I didn’t show up for other things, but I knew that my soul needed it.

I am learning to find that balance between fulfilling my responsibilities and being who I am created to me. I thrive on newness, fresh ideas, possibility. This is who I am. The routines and structures in my life -- the days that I have to show up at the office or at school -- they come with gifts of their own.

Instead of feeling like I’m denying myself every time I go to the office where it could feel monotonous, I’m choosing, to be content - and that contentment is giving me the fuel to create in my off time.

All in all, this February has been fruitful. Not in the charge-ahead-rah-rah kind of way, but in a subtle, silent way. The stream of grown quietly wider as she thawed and spring edged closer.

February was also a bit quieter… because I got a house! You’ll hear more about that process in the vlog above. :) Thank you for reading and for being here with you. Sending you big love and gratitude!