1,500 Days. Check.

A few weeks ago, I passed my marker for 1,500 days in the city. No one else is counting, or possibly even cares, but this milestone matters worlds to me.

When I was traveling the world, I often relied on the number of countries I visited in a year to be a marker of success. I liked to average 5 countries a year.

Coming back to Toronto in 2017, I knew I could very well end up in Toronto for the next 10 years. It wasn't something I was got to choose. Something/Someone, which I call God, had sent me back to Toronto and I should not, could not plan my escape this time.

I had a lot of fear around staying in the city indefinitely.

I was afraid that I would end up in an office job and get my "soul sucked" out of me.

I was afraid that commutes, sitting in traffic on highways would deplete my creativity.

I had my doubts that I would make any meaningful friendships here. All of my most intimate friendships up until that point had been forged in airports, on bus trips, in hostels, at dining tables from Paris to Hawaii, Zanzibar to Berlin.

I was afraid that the matrix vibes would take over my physical body and I would become a robot, a shadow of myself.

I was afraid of all processed foods, the traffic lights, the shopping malls, the 9-to-5s, the line-ups, the suburbs.

Yet, I had no choice but to learn how to co-exist with it all.

Today, having passed the 1500 mark, I look at who I have become in the last 4 years and I am amazed. I had no idea that this kind of transformation could happen.

I have a peace and a steadiness about my identity that I never even knew was possible.

I no longer judge everything and everyone around me. I have heard God tell me that he cares, about everyone living in the cities. They are not robots condemned to be cogs in the capitalist machine. They are each beloved, created human beings for which God has a plan for good and for beautiful future.

I have a deep trust that my career will be taken care of, for the rest of my life. For the rest of my life, I don't need to manipulate, control or finagle my way into any positions, awards, deals or promotions. God's got it all covered.

I no longer hang onto this younger 20-something version of Anita, hoping that she won't die. I let her go. I let her be loved by God. I let her become a part of me forever. Like a gobstopper (those big hard round candies with many layers), the wild, free, fearless, boundless traveler Anita lives inside me. She will forever be a part of me. But now, there are other layers of my gobstopper forming. And it is good. Who Anita is becoming includes the 20-something traveler, and now she is even more.

It doesn't matter if no one ever acknowledges the 1500 mark. My soul knows I have crossed a threshold. I know I have crossed a threshold. It's like ran a marathon, and I didn't know if I would even be able to walk at the end of it. Instead, I crossed that finish line shocked to realize that I am the most fit than I have ever been in my life. I have an inner strength and confidence in God, from God that no one could ever take away. I walk forward into my future, rock solid that I am loved, valuable, worthy, cherished, adored, seen.

And now, best of all, it has nothing to do with my social media, this blog, my photos or Instagram. It has everything to do with discovering that the most beautiful thing in the world, God, is in me, is everywhere, is all around me.

I live everyday now, knowing that Narnia is forever a part of me. Somedays I walk through the wardrobe, and other days I stay on this side to live in 2021, in the suburbs, forests and streets of Toronto.

It doesn't really matter where I am anymore, because I will forever know that I am a queen in God's eyes.

Someone once told me that after you turn 25, the years go by in a flash and the next thing you know, you're 52.

When I heard that, I vowed that wouldn't be me. I would remember my years. I would make them count.

I want to be 52 and know that I lived, loved, cried, tried, cherished and flourished in everyone of my years.