The Gifts From My Sabbatical: Rest, Gratitude, Awe, Perspective

When I began this sabbatical journey in February, I wrote out some intentions for what I hoped to “achieve” through this break.

Of course, a major reason for taking this break was to stop achieving, but I knew that I needed some benchmarks, milestones, so that at the end of this journey I could assess and reflect on what I had done to myself.

These intentions would also help me to stay centered on what my soul truly longed for this journey and not get sidetracked by my old habits of striving, working and overachieving.

As I write this, sitting in an apartment in Catania, Sicily, I am grateful to write that my “goals were met. The intentions came to fruition. Each intention I had has borne fruit, fruit that I will get to take home when I back my suitcase in two days to return to Toronto.  I came with a seed,  a map, a hope and I return with memories and open vestiges of my soul did that not exist when I left Toronto.

I return home with a bigger soul, like parts of me that were only dead ends but how burst open to channels leading to new rooms of joy, serenity, belief and peace in my soul that did not exist before.

In the months to come, there I will be much more integration, processing, dreaming and listening, but that is for later. For today, let’s take a moment to see what has emerged.

My first and most important intention was rest.

I knew that within rest, during rest and after rest, good would emerge.

Rest I did. Rest came to me in different forms. Rest came after days exhausted from trekking up and down rocky cliff faces in the Himalayas. Rest came in the silence of being underwater. Rest came looking at the bamboo ceiling at the freediving center in Bali, inhaling deeply, relaxing my mind in order to hold my breath another 20 seconds longer. Rest came in my dark hotel room in Kenya, opting out of the group safari so that I could stay in one room for 12 hours instead of ride in vehicle on bumpy dirt roads for 12 hours.

Rest came.

Rest came, in 100 little moments when I stopped to snap a picture, sip water and take off my sweater, surrounded by the infinite mountainscape of the Himalayas.

Rest came, in the lazy days in Sicily, water the sky and sea change colours with the sunrise.

Rest came, most of all, in the ever-present reminder I had that I didn’t need to produce any results from this trip. I didn’t owe it to anyone to blog, post on social media. I had no work deadlines looming over me. No big project sitting in the back of my mind. No team member covering for me while I was away.

I finally got to be human again.

I’ve had day after day after day of no telling myself, “I get to be here. I get to be alive. I get to do this.”

There was no one to tell me I am worth more because I did a good job and no one to pressure me into finishing some a task faster.

Rest in the times I learned something new, like freediving, and rest came when I had days of doing nothing. No exploring. No adventuring. No laundry. No cooking. No WhatsApp. I could lay on my hotel bed and just dream, or not dream.

Some entire sections of my journey were restful, some entire days were restful and some small pockets of a day restful. No matter the duration or container, I tried to remember to rest. And rest I did.

Out of all this collective rest, something good in my soul emerged.  There is a lot of good that has emerged, but for the sake of brevity and not turning this into a 10,000 word blog (yet ), I will highlight my top 3: Gratitude, Awe and Perspective.

The Gift of Gratitude

“I’m so grateful I get to be here.”

Over and over again, I said this to myself. Whenever I would think about how much money I was using up in this trip, and feel a little guilty about it, I would hear a deeper voice speak up.

“This is a gift, to you. You worked for this. You get to be here. It’s ok to receive the gift. Here.”

Sitting at a beachfront cafe in Nusa Penida, Bali, I would think to myself, “It was days spent in air-conditioned offices in Toronto that are allowing me to have this moment. Thank you.”

Standing at the edge of the face, my face turned towards the horizon with mountain stacked on mountain, I would whisper, “I’m so grateful I’m here. I’m so grateful I’m here. I’m so grateful I get to be here.”

Even now, the feeling of gratitude washes over my soul as I sit here writing on a Saturday in May.

I cannot count the number of times I felt this gratitude melt over me, but it must be hundreds, thousands. Each time, the gratitude enters deeper into my soul.

It’s not that I can’t feel gratitude at home - I can - but I feel it more acutely and sincerely while I’m travelling. I am reminded that I may only get fours of my lifetime in this location. Without the pressures of job or boss, and with my responsibilities at home temporarily in the distance, the gratitude I feel is pure. It is not guilted gratitude, like “I should be happy.” It is the pure, simple gratitude of “I get to be alive and it is beautiful.”

I needed to feel that feeling,for real, in my flesh.

The Gift of Awe

Without the pressures of ordinary life and work, I get to see life differently. I get to see how precious and beautiful it is simply to be here, alive on earth. There is little else that is more breathtaking than standing in a sea of mountains, inhaling the crisp mountain here, on route to the top of the world on my Everest Base Camp Trek. I thought that couldn’t be topped.

Then I went down into the ocean as I learned free diving. The underwater world is like the mountains upside down. The vastness of space underwater is infinite. In both places, I could feel just how small and finite I was and earth was so infinite.

I will forever carry this sense of awe with me, no matter where I go. I don’t even need to close my eyes, and I can feel the presence of the mountains and the ocean with me and within me.

The Gift of Perspective

I have written on several occasions in the last few years on the topic of expanding my time horizon. On my sabbatical, I got to deepen into this. I’ve gotten a lot of time to look at the past and the future of my life.

Riding planes, trains, boats and cars, I’ve have had plenty of time to ponder my life. Where was I one year ago? Where was I seven years ago? Who am I? How did I get here? Where do I feel called to go from here?

Sometimes the answers came instantly. Most of the time, the revelations came quietly, as if washing up upon the shores of my soul. I am reminded, I have so much time ahead of me, and behind me.  I am no longer a restless, striving 20 year old. It feels amazing to have many years under my belt, with many more to grow, learn and evolve. I patiently and gladly walk into my decade ahead.