6 Years In: Why I Will Keep Creating.

Apr 3

“I cannot do everything; but I can do something… And what I should do, by the will of God, I will do.” - Edward Everett Hale.
“I'm a little pencil in the hand of a writing God, who is sending a love letter to the world.” - Mother Teresa

I’ve been back in Canada for a week now. The lingering effects of my trip to Guatemala are starting to fade, all the exhilaration of volcanoes and lakes and guacamole and fresh-made tortilla taking a necessary back in my mind so that I can be here, in the land of Coronavirus quarantine.

Me doing a final review of a video at 6:30am on my last day in Guatemala.

Yesterday I finally moved to my new place, a little home on the outskirts of Toronto. It’s far out enough that three left turns and I'm in the countryside.

This place feels gloriously spacious. I feel like my soul can expand and grow here. Maybe it’s the energy from the forests nearby. Maybe it’s that I’m not landlocked in a thousand wifi networks. Maybe it’s that neighbours leave their doors open and unlocked. Whatever it is, it feels good and right.

On the outside my life seems pretty put together but I have days where doubt envelopes me. I’ve been creating content for the Internet - writing blogs, live-streaming, creating videos, taking photos - since 2014.

Some days, I’m afraid I don’t have I have much to show for the past 7+ years of effort.

I look at the audience that others have garnered in a much shorter period of time and I’m embarrassed. What’s up with this, God?

I don’t have an answer for why some people seem to skyrocket from zero to 100,000 subscribers in a year, and why I have less than Youtube 1,500 subscribers after a decade.

I ask myself, should I stop trying?

Last year, I poured all of my spare energy into creating new videos, re-learning how to vlog, writing blog at 5:00am in the morning and publishing more content than I had in the previous three years combined. I did all of this while working a full-time job.

However, eventually the enthusiasm, the adrenaline of the new creations waned and I was left with the stark reminder that all of 20 people viewed a piece that I spent 12 hours creating. I knew, because I tracked how long it took me to make each video.

It’s disappointing. Actually, it’s freaking humiliating. I almost don’t want to tell people that I have a Youtube channel, but it’s low numbers feels like a badge of dishonour.

Such is the cycle of my creative highs and ones. Some weeks I’m fired up about working countless overtime hours to make videos, and other weeks, I’m in despair over all the wasted hours. Hours that nobody sees to create videos that no one sees.

No one, but God.

Through all of this, my gut tells me that God sees everything. God is the one who keeps inspiring me to create, even when I don’t to anymore. God gives me ideas. God is the light in my eyes that I get an new idea I can’t resist. And God is the one who shows my videos to 20 people. Every single one matters to him.

Many times, I’ve prayed, God, if you don’t want to make content, just take the desire away. I don’t want to put energy into something that isn’t going anywhere.

Every time I reach the brink of exhaustion, I ease off. I take a break. I give up. I move on. I start thinking of a new hobby I could pick up. Then, without coaxing, the ideas start flowing again.

...

There is another way to view my situation.

Where my work goes and who exactly sees it is out of my control. I could spend hours learning the Youtube and Instagram algorithms and tailor every headline, thumbnail and caption to cheat the algorithms, but that’s not how I want to spend my time.

There was a chapter of my life where I did spend days and weeks and months intoxicated by the idea that there is a secret Internet sauce that would unlock financial security outside of the 9-to-5. I never felt like I belonged in an office, and I wanted to be free to publish inspiring online content.

I tried the things the experts taught me - webinars, marketing funnels, trip-wire products - but for some reason, none of it ever worked for me. It didn’t generate the kind of full-time income that I took as the kiss of Providence.

These days, there is nothing else for me to do, but to trust.

Trust that the people who do see the videos, articles and photos are the ones who are meant to.

Trust that the lessons I’m learning and the technical skills are all leading to something.

Trust that I will be financially supported and taken care of as I create.

Tonight as sit I in front of the fireplace, boxes are stacked in the corner of my new house. I’m still missing furniture. A single cushion against the wall is my couch. A stool is my coffee table. I’ve only been in this new home for 30 hours, yet fresh ideas for videos are already trickling into my mind.

I wonder, is it really a good idea to be thinking up new ideas? Do I really have time and energy to start livestreams right now? Is there something better I could be doing with myself? I could bake cookies or find that new hobby. One that doesn’t leave me feeling humiliated.

This is when I stumble across this quote.

“I cannot do everything; but I can do something… And what I should do, by the will of God, I will do.”

These pieces are my Something. The videos, vlogs, articles, blogs, photos, captions flow so effortlessly, they must be from heaven. For all the heartache they cause me, they also bring light, hope, heaven into my life. I receive energy when I create.

I don’t know where else the energy would come from if I wasn’t creating.

My vote has been cast. The verdict is in.

I will keep writing, producing, filming, editing, uploading, publishing.

As long as there is life in me, there will be art.

A related article: Jealous No More: How I’m Learning To Love And Honour My Work.

Feel free to join me on Youtube or Instagram, for more of my ongoing adventures. :)