June Regeneration: A Summer Reset

Ever since I finished my last papers for my masters program in June, I’ve been in a process of unwinding. 

I knew that the amount of work I did in May was not sustainable. I wrote three papers in the span of a month, on top of work that I usually do for my two jobs. 

While each of the papers was only 3000-3500 words, they take exponentially longer than writing a 3000-blog because of the amount of research and drafting required. I know that I’ll be faster and more efficient with academic papers next year, but I already exceed my goals in May and beat my own targets.  I spent most weekday mornings and long stretches of my Saturdays working on papers, knowing that I’d have a break in the summer. 

Usually, when I stop working after a stint of intense mental and creative work, my energetic self “crashes.” For the first few days after I finished my last paper, I found myself saying, “I don’t know what to do with myself now.” I had invested all of my mental focus in hashing out ideas for my papers and not that there was no target, I felt odd — like getting off the treadmill and not knowing how to stand still.

Thankfully, this was not the first time this has happened, so I knew it was coming. I knew that I’d feel out of sorts for a few days and that it would be important to consciously stop. Gradually, my brain slowed down. Now it’s over a month since I finished my last paper, and I must have reached a place of calm enough to actually write herewith a clean, quiet mind. 

A short trip to lake in Ontario

Releasing Summer Writing Goals

I had writing projects that I wanted to complete this summer, but when July 1 rolled around, I could tell that my planning mind was not in sync with the reality of this season: not only is it summer, but I’m also recovering from months of writing academic papers, academic readings and coursework for four courses. 

I knew that I started my personal writing projects on July 1, I would not be writing from my best self. I’d be trying to take the tail end of overdue scraps in my mental refrigerator to whip up a meal for the Dalai Lama. There is no way that this work would be my best. So I’ve given myself permission to follow my instincts, trust my creative impulse and believe in the creative cycles. 

The part of me that had made a list of writing goals for this summer, was the part that had been working at 1000 km/h during the rest of the school year. But as I wound down during the month of June, my brain settled down to a more liveable pace and the part of my brain that wanted to rest won over the part that wanted to rev up. 

I knew that I needed to have a break from my school mindset, so I searched for a word to define June and found it: June Regeneration. 

June Regeneration

June was a time for me to regenerate. I’m sure that my brain literally had to re-grow new brain cells that had been depleted in my efforts to power through 10 books in a week. 

  I didn’t force myself to exercise if I wasn’t feeling it. I didn’t write if I didn’t feel ready for it (which I never did). I tried to eat more healthy, lots of salad and greens. All around, I tried to just be present to the pockets of my days where I didn’t have to work. Instead of filling it with work, I went for walks, took evening drives, had lots of solo picnics and did some reflecting on the past year. 

If that had been it for June, perhaps I might have been ready to write at the start of July, but something major took center stage. 

I was offered a new job.

Since January of this year, I’d felt that my time at the church I work for was coming to a close. I just had no passion for the job anymore. It was like something in my spirit disconnected, and there was nothing that I or anyone could do to make me want to stay. I wasn’t excited about any projects coming up. All of this was coupled with the feeling that there is another 20-something out there who would be excited about this job. I was not that person anymore.  

In January, after some conversations with spiritual friends and prayer, I received the sense that things will change in September. Since then, I would periodically look at job listings but nothing caught my eye.

In my life, jobs have often worked themselves out. I was never the person to throw about 20 resumes and hope for the best. A job would just show up in front of me, and I would know that I’m supposed to apply. This job is for me. I would have a sense of certainty that was supernatural.

Throughout the winter and spring, this moment didn’t come up when I scanned job boards, so as much as I wanted to leave, I waited.

I hung onto the hope that something would change by September, and since that intuitive hunch about September never went away, I had to trust it. 

So when this job was offered to me at the end of June, I knew it was it. This was from God. I’ll save the details of the job for when the paperwork is done, but guess what? I start full-time in September! I will be doing three weeks of the job on a contract basis in August, but it becomes an official full-time job in September. 

The hunch was right.

Wondering About Womanhood

In June, I started to do some free reading: reading books on topics that I actually wanted to explore but never had the time to while I was plowing through coursework during the school year. There were a few topics that had been bothering me, tickling my soul for months. Womanhood was the largest, deepest, most guttural for me. 

I wanted to know what it means to be a woman. I still want to know, and am in the process of unpacking that answer. 

There’s hardly a day that’s gone by where I haven’t thought about the fact that I’m 30, since I logged 30 full revolutions around the sun. It means a lot to me because it is the dawning of a new era, and I don’t want to miss its significance.

I am no longer a 20-something, and all that it entails with the youthful freedom, unlimited opportunity and wild travels.

But she is not gone, dead.

She is inside me.

I am Her, and more.

So what does it mean for that 20-something Anita — the one who backpacked solo across East Africa when she was 21, the one who swam with dolphins for a summer in Zanzibar, the one who lived at an eco-meditation center in Hawaii, the one who was determined to carve a career for herself as a content creator — to become 30? 

What does it mean to enter a whole new decade, one where you can start referring to yourself as a woman? One where 33 doesn’t feel nearly as different as 37 (at least not the way 23 felt so different from 27). What is the life ahead of me? 

What am I working towards? The mission of 80,000hours.org captures it perfectly: what will I do with the 80,000 hours of my career, now that I have a small glimpse of how little impact my efforts make in the world. 

In my 20’s, I dreamed of being a documentary filmmaker, a blogger, a Youtuber and much more. While I got a taste of what it’s like to work in some of those roles, nothing materialized in flesh and blood for a sustained amount of time. 

Also, as someone who doesn’t feel called to produce biological children out of my body, what, then does it mean to be a woman? (Thankfully, someone has already come up with a book-length answer to that question. I stumbled into “Childfree by Choice: The Movement Redefining Family and Creating a New Age of Independence Kindle Edition” by Amy Blackstone at the library last weekend.) 

So, there is a lot brewing in me these days. I’m trusting my instincts and not rushing into writing, trusting that the time spent muddling and puttering around is renewing my soul and mind. 

Dear friend, fellow pilgrim, sister or brother, I hope this finds you well. I will see you on the interwebs soon!

 Infinite Love, 

Anita