"What Are You Gonna Do With A Masters of Divinity?" Good Question…

I've spent much of the last year and a half looking for the answer myself.

This spring/summer term will mark the completion of the second year of my master’s program, which means I'm halfway done! I almost quit several times, but at each crossroads, I found enough arrows pointing me onward and enough curiosity in me to press on.

After thousands of pages of theology books, a year of zoom classes, and never-ending discussions about the church, now, there is no point in entertaining the idea of quitting. 

"Just keep going, Anita, until you hit the finish line in 2023," I tell myself. 

But first, what is a Masters Of Divinity (Mdiv)? 

According to Wikipedia, "in the academic study of theology, the Master of Divinity, is the first professional degree of the pastoral profession in North America."

My university's website advertises, "Pursue if you wish to prepare for ordained ministry or for general pastoral and religious leadership responsibilities in congregations and other settings."

I had to google that because when I started the program in 2019, I wasn't sure what a Masters of Divinity was. I knew people who became pastors and led churches did Masters of Divinity. And I knew that I didn't want to be a pastor.

Not a great starting point. 

If I had to pick a master’s program for myself, I would have chosen something like an MFA in filmmaking or an MBA. Not this. 

A Strange Start

Since coming back to Toronto in the summer of 2017, my mom brought the idea of pursuing some kind of theological education every few months. I pushed back each time (as we do when our parents suggest things that sound like they know how we should live our lives). Still, when I checked in with my gut, I had the unfortunate sinking feeling that I was supposed to go to theology school. 

In 2018, I'd met a girl who had studied at a seminary in Toronto, and she gave me a book from one of her courses. Seminary is what they call schools of theology, also known as theological seminaries, or divinity schools.) The book chronicled Christianity's history from the time of Jesus to the present day and had brief chapters on the hundreds of pockets of Christianity that had emerged since then. It covered the mystics in the 300 CE, Quakers, Mennonites, eco-spirituality, and spiritual practices from traditions I never heard of.

Wait, there were versions of Christianity I've never even heard of!? 

 I'd had questions about God and denominations in Christianity since I was a teenager. After years of off-and-on searching, I knew I wouldn't get my answers from self-help books.

Maybe I would get some answers in seminary. 

At least it would acquiesce that feeling of "unfinished business" I had with God. 

So I applied to one and only one Mdiv program at a seminary in Toronto. I was not excited about the prospect of studying, but I didn't a feeling telling me NOT to apply, so I went through the motions of applying 

The Internal Conflict

For the first year of the program, I constantly questioned why I was wasting my time and money on this program. 

Every few days, I picked a fight with this invisible God until I finally came to two conclusions, the two reasons I have persevered: 

1) One day, I'll know why I'm doing this program. 

2) The money going into this program is not mine anyway. It's God's. God is paying for this program for me. 

With those two issues settled, I sank my teeth into the work. I re-learned how to write research papers and make citations. I spent Saturday mornings powering through walls of readings. I set aside my creative projects to edit essays and make deadlines. 

Along the way, I discovered a bonus reason to keep studying: 

3) I like seeing under the hood of Christianity. 

My seminary studies made church on Sunday feel like an eternal kindergarten. There are over 2000 years of scholarship that they never talk about in church. Although I didn't intend to be the one to dig into that scholarship, at least this program was tickling my appetite for wisdom, world religions and spirituality. 

*****

I began the program in August 2019, but up until this point, I haven't written much about it on this blog. I couldn't. I didn't know what I believed or where I stood. There is an unspoken pressure to "get it right” in Christian circles. It took me a long time to figure out if God was concerned with "rightness" or if I had just internalized the social codes in western Christian culture. Plus, seminary brought many big words into my life, like atonement theory, soteriology, Christology, eschatology, and it was unsettling.

Now that I'm two years in, I ready to start talking.

I see now how my studies have given me a deeper understanding of the Christian faith in a way that wouldn't happen if I wasn't 'forced' to study like this. It's been a long, disorienting and sometimes painful road, but it also feels so good to arrive somewhere! 

I once thought Christianity was like a big box filled with stuff, and I didn't want any of it. 

Completing a Masters of Divinity has been shown me that there are thousands of things inside the box, some of which I may want to keep. 

My heart in sharing my spiritual journey isn't to convince you of anything. At the core, I hope that sharing the details of my journey might offer hope on your own journey up the mountain to the Sacred. Sorting through your own beliefs is a disorienting, lonely process, and I hope this can help someone, just as I have been supported by many writers. 

And of course, I'm writing this because I need to. By sharing who I was, who I have become and am still becoming, I allow myself to exist.

Infinite Love, 

Anita

"Christian faith for me is no longer a static location but a great spiritual journey. And that changes everything."

― Brian McLaren,