Why I Haven't (Completely) Put Christianity In The Garbage
“We become either agents of God’s healing and liberating grace, or carriers of the sickness of the world.” - M. Robert Mulholland Jr.
I recently had to read An Invitation To A Journey by Robert Mulholland for a class I’m taking. The title alone had me gripped. Inviting a traveller to a journey? Even if it’s an interior journey, I’m in!
This book has given me a fresh vision for what a Christian life could be. He describes it as a process, “Spiritual formation is a process of being formed in the image of Christ for the sake of others.”
It not about signing a salvation card and getting baptized. It’s much deeper, and it takes much longer than that.
Today, I want to look at why I haven’t left Christianity. Well, I did between ages 16-26, but this time, as I revisit this ancient faith, I have discovered a different Christianity.
So why do I choose to walk in Christian waters?
1. Something chose me.
I didn’t choose Christianity. It, we could say the God Behind It, or the Intelligence Of The Universe, chose me.
I have two parents who are pastors. Often when people say they are a “pastor’s kid,” they mean that their dad is a pastor, while their mom does something else. In my case, my dad has been a pastor for 35 years, since before I was born. My mom has been a children’s pastor for 17 years, and she’s not showing any signs of slowing down. Both of them, when they retire, if they retire, intend on continuing to serve the church.
In my teenage years, I remember feeling really annoyed that my parents were pastors. Why can’t I be one of those people whose parents are atheist?! So that I could discover different religions and spirituality on my own?!
Then, in my twenties, I met friends who grew up atheist and they talked about how they wished they had some kind of spiritual background. They talked about parents who had an anger towards religion and this could be just as damaging as having parents steeped in religion.
Over time, as I read more books on spirituality, I found myself grateful that at least I had some background knowledge of a religion and a faith. Even when I didn’t believe in a God, my Christian upbringing gave me a foundational belief that there was a purpose to my life.
2. “self-help spirituality” is not a better option.
I spent years devouring books from the self-help and new age sections of the book store. I dip into eastern religions and greek philosophy, productivity hacks and angel cards. The prevailing attitude towards spirituality in the west seems to be: do whatever makes you “better.” Smarter, skinnier, richer.
As I absorbed self-self spirituality, I reached a point where I was just picking up whatever new teaching came across my path.
Past lives, sure! Chakra balance, I’ll try it! Crystals, why not.
Because there is no central figure or central teaching, I ended up just bouncing between whoever was making the New York Times bestseller list—from Tony Robbins to Brendan Burchard, Gabby Bernstein and Marie Forleo. While those authors helped me at my seeking stage, I could feel that I was lacking roots.
All of the self-help strategies seemed to be treading the surface. I could change my behaviour, but what I learned wasn’t changing my soul.
A note about brainwashing:
You could say, as another voice in my head would also say, are you sure you’re not just getting brainwashed into a cult of Christianity?
I used to be afraid of getting lost in the weeds of Christianity, but perhaps the weeds grow, because the soil is fertile. As I followed the weeds in Christianity, they have led me into plush meadow filled with yellow and purple flowers and senses so invigorating, I feel like I could sleep in this field for 3 weeks and not even need to wash my clothes or shower.
3. Jesus is a pretty good example to follow.
When I think of the people who really inspire something in my spirit, its the ones who gave of themselves sacrificially, beyond reason. They understood the power of loving the one. It touches me somewhere far deeper, than when I following an American “guru” because I secretly want to be rich and famous and speak from the stage like them.
Then I read a book called “In The Name of Jesus” by Henri Nouwen where he talks about the temptations that Christian leaders face: the temptation to be relevant, the temptation to spectacular and the temptation to be powerful. I realized that 99.9% of Christian leaders fall to these temptations and if I trust in any human, chances are I’ll be disappointed. But if I look to Jesus’s life, I have the best, example of a life that changes the world.
Is Jesus the only good role model to follow?
No, there are lots of saints and even saints from other religions, but for me and where I’m at, I don’t mind following Jesus. And as I look at the lives of saints, mystics, rulers, thinkers and scholars, Jesus still shines through as a good option. Maybe the best option. So I’m still here, wading through these Christian waters.
Something in my spirit draws me deeper.
The Bonus and Biggest Reason I Haven’t Quit Christianity:
The more that I hang out in the waters of Christianity — circling around the Bible, reading Christian writers, discovering Christian mystics, working in a church — SOMETHING is changing in me. My questions are getting answered, but more importantly, something sacred is stirring in my spirit. I have become more kind, gracious, generous, genuinely good. Something that knows me intimately still sends me ‘memos’, signs, events, friends, messages, lines in a book that breathe life into my aching heart.
At the same time, the part of me that always sought truth seems to be quieting. It’s as if my internal “truth radar,” something we all have, is being quieted by the holy hush that surrounds GOD, or Something Sacred for which GOD would be accurate term. My mind is changing, because my heart is changing.
I can’t tell you where following Hinduism, Islam, Judaism or Buddhism would take me, because this is the path I’m on. There is a certain point, as you are walking up the mountain, (rather, drawn upward by the pull of the Light) that you realize you can’t keep swapping paths. You have to pick one and walk up.
There will be time for me to explore the intersections of faith, but for the most part, I’ve spent the last 44 months in Toronto on the Christian path. It seems to be leading upwards, so I’m still walking. Still wading.
Actually…
Some days, I can hear the voices of the saints and mystics calling to me, “Run. Don’t walk, RUN UP.”
